Gracie and the IRS
Every year it is the same old story. Gracie rests on a soft, comfy carpeted floor scattered with papers along with a half dozen half chewed pencils. This is where she performs the ritual of itemization. Many of us hire tax attorneys to itemize our federal income tax. Grace is too cheap, too crooked and too canine. No human tax attorney would approve of the stunts that she pulls. This “Tax Itemization Day” is an annual ritual.
Many years ago she tangled with the IRS over Form 1099. The 1099 was mine. At the time I was moonlighting as an independent musician and had to file that form. Grace was afraid that the government would snag HER treat money along with mine. After all, we both have the same last name, and it is an unusual last name. As a result she decided to eat the entire 1099 along with part of our Form 1040. This government “snack” only caused her to burp twice. For days afterward, bits and pieces of numbers turned up in her litterbox. She thought it a fitting environment for tax documents. You probably agree with her.
In case you’re interested and are willing to risk your good name, honor and way of life, take a good look at Gracie’s list of deductions. You could copy some of these, include them in your next Form 1040 and see how long it takes an IRS auditor to find you. My guess is…NOT LONG! These deductions are outrageous.
Here’s a partial list:
1. $1,027.50 for medications. (Those “medications” were really for Zukes and Natural Balance dog treats!)
2. $3,050 for vet bills (which she never paid. I DID!)
3. $27 paid in advance to the Haynes Creek Mortuary Business run by Mortimer Turkey Vulture for “future services”*
4. $29 paid to Godfrey Alligator for “protection services” (Godfrey is also in the extortion business*) and
5. $10,027 to IG Rescue for an entire wardrobe of Great Pyrenees sweaters at $98 a pop. She claims that those sweaters are absolutely necessary for health reasons. (Just so you know…Great Pyrenees dogs have magnificent fur coats. The shed fur from a Great Pyr can be spun into yarn and then hand knit into the most gorgeous and expensive dog sweaters in dogdom!)
The only item that she will have trouble justifying is the ten grand to Rescue. Here’s why:
1. IGRF (Italian Greyhound Rescue Foundation) is a 501C3 organization. As such it is audited annually and the IRS is kept 100% informed of both donations and expenses, right down to the penny. It will take the IRS two minutes to determine that Gracie dog never paid two cents to IGRF say nothing about ten grand!!!
2. She does not now and never has had more than ten cents in her bank account at one time. A competent IRS auditor would figure that out in under three minutes and
3. The IRS has a looooong memory. They remember her stunt back in 1996 over the 1099 and assign two men to “double-check” her tax form every year. You and I as taxpayers are paying the salaries of those two IRS agents and I, for one, resent it.
Here’s a prime example of how her mind works. It’s the stupid theory behind this whole ridiculous sweater deduction. Grace is hoping that by claiming those sweaters on her list of deductions I will be prompted to purchase a wardrobe of those gorgeous, comfortable and toasty warm Great Pyrenees sweaters on her behalf. This will make things right with the IRS and avoid the embarrassment of having her dragged from our home and thrown in the coop for tax fraud. So far as I’m concerned she can sit in the coop for the next ten years.
However, as you and I both know, within two hours she will drive the American Justice System BANANAS! Government officials will promptly make phone calls begging me to take her home. In a way Gracie holds a huge advantage over common humans like us:
1. She is a dog and therefore immune from human prosecution and
2. the American Justice System knows that she represents trouble, hassles and major disruptions. They won’t touch her. The American Justice System is not stupid. Here is a case where a Bad Reputation can be a good thing!!!
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Mortimer Turkey Vulture and Godfrey Alligator are REAL living animals. They currently reside in central Florida along the banks of Haynes Creek. For years they have interacted with Gracie in a wild, weird and whacky series of adventures. Don’t expect me to blab about those adventures here. I’m saving those Tails for another book!!!
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